I remember feeling very scared of the prospect of parenting again while pregnant with eli. Afraid and Happy. I knew what to expect and the thought of doing it again sooo soon was really terrifying. I wanted so much to "want" this pregnancy the same way I had wanted my first. I just honestly thought that if I had to give birth again and go through pregnancy again I might lose my mind. Don't get me wrong. I loved being pregnant and celebrated being woman and having the ability to do something so incredibly powerful. But I was scared. I feel like most of Eli's pregnancy was me managing my fear. I really feared for his safety with his kidney, I feared for my marriage which was struggling with all the changes of becoming parents brings, I feared for my own sanity and independence.
I am a very independent person. I have spent quite a lot of time alone in my life even though, I am quite extroverted. It is a challenge for me to be 'with' people all the time. Sometimes after Hudson was born, all I could do was crave the alone time I used to have to be creative and journal or daydream, or just complete an intricate philosophical puzzle about human nature. I couldn't believe I had a complaint in me after trying to get pregnant for 3 solid years with Hudson. I loved, loved, loved my babies to the end of the earth AND I missed my old freedom. It was quite a process to be in an inward period of my life at that time.
When my children were born I went the most inward I've ever gone in my life. There weren't many people in my life at that time. I gave up/lost my job of 10 years and I went through an enormous period of loss. I feel that the universe did me a favor in that period. Allowing me to go home and truly "be" with motherhood for a bit. Eventhough, I felt alone. Often my only contact with another person during the day was my 16 year old helper. She'd do odd jobs for me while we were trying to sell our house and had two small children. Granted she acted like she was 32 but truly she was 16. Through that isolation I kept finding more and more of myself that I usually ignored; my anxiety, my depression, my anger, my need to be artistic. I found out that my parents really do love me in a way that I never allowed myself to see. I started to allow myself to depend on their support. I went to Lexington to stay with them almost every weekend or every other. Keith was working on our new house every weekend and it was a hard time for us both.
I now know that being alone in motherhood was good for me to learn to be with myself and my children. It was good because I no longer feel alone when I'm only with my children. I also got the concept of doing exactly what my family needed. We were under tremendous stress: Keith's job stress, 2 small children, no alone time, no Me/Keith time, moving, and remodeling a house. Hudson and Eli gave me the one project that I could not quit or flee when it began to challenge me. I really had to just k take one step at a time. Every single day I was in a grieving process of my old life. I was very lucky to have a very dedicated mate at that time (and a great therapist). Someone safe enough to go through that with. I know a lesser man would have walked away.
I used to feel guilty for what I consider now to be very normal feelings. I am glad I finally came to a place where I valued forgiving myself for my many, many poor parenting decisions. I am able to say, "Let's have a do over. Let's try this again." As a parent, I am not perfect. I am always a late bloomer in any learning situation and parenting has been a constant changing force. It is forcing me to change the very way I learn information through trial and error and making me try different techniques and books and look at parenting philosophy. I think it would be good to have another baby in 10 years and have worked out most of the kinks and feel completely confident. My parent's neighbor did that very thing and she is one confident mama. I really can't wait to get to a place where I am not second guessing all of my decisions and praying I am not screwing my children up.
Recently I read a poem by a friend of mine and one line stood out to me that I believe puts this into perspective, "Lonely parents sidle up to lonely children." That was how it felt and I really am grateful to be out of that period of my life.
Below are the more expected pictures and feelings of an expectant mother: the pregnancy stick, the blessing ceremony, the growing belly, the letters to the baby...the happy moments.
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| Around Thanksgiving 2007 |
Letters to Eli
2/27/2008
Dear Baby,
We just found out we are expecting a baby boy. We are so excited we can't wait for you Hudson to be tearing through our house. [Wish I could take that statement back as I am surrounded by mayhem] This may all be funny to you one day [as it is terrifying to me] but your dad, the recovering redneck, has so many plans now that he knows he is going to have 2 sons.
Ok Eli, you arrived in the most beautiful birth ever! I had 2 very hard contractions (1 that made Hudson cry when he looked at my face) around 6:30am and called the midwife. I knew it was time although I didn't have very many signs. It was 2 days past your due date and I felt ready. Your dad was a champ. He had the bedroom ready- a pot of boiling water going for the midwives toos. Eileen, our doula, came over first and started helping me get comfy. I noticed that this time during the birthing process I wanted people near me. (with Hudson I needed to be alone) Aunt Heather had to come and get Hudson b/c it was happening too fast for my mom to get here from Lexington. She saw me in the bathtub and said she couldn't tell I was in really in labor. I was though. I cried when Hudson left. I felt like I wanted my whole family to be together but witnessing birth might have been too much for a 17 month old to handle. I tried sitting in the bathtub but it just felt too slow. I was sure it slowed down my labor with Hudson. I was not going to flee from the pain this time. I was going to go into. Instead of looking for relief I went for harder contractions and more pain. I started walking and Eileen massaged my back. Brenda got here and checked me. She said I was close. Keith and I wanted to lay together alone and just focus on my contractions together. As soon as they left the room I felt you swim down towards the birth canal and engaged into position. It was crazy. My water broke and we called Brenda and Eileen back into the room. We decided that I should try to pee before things got going. It was really hard to get to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and I went into transition. I tried to walk back to my bedroom but I just couldn't make it. The urge to push was too strong i fell to me knees onto a brand new white tile floor. Primal sound were coming out of my mouth. Dad and Eileen were holding my arms and Brenda was behind me waiting to catch you. You were born at 9:45am my water broke at 9:15 and I only pushed for 10 minutes. Such an easy birth! We weren't out of the clear yet, I still had to birth the placenta. For some reason that was scarier to me than your delivery. I just wanted to be done. The placenta came out no problem and the midwife said it was one of the healthiest she'd ever seen. (from a 30 year veteran that was quite a compliment) 
2/27/2008
Dear Baby,
We just found out we are expecting a baby boy. We are so excited we can't wait for you Hudson to be tearing through our house. [Wish I could take that statement back as I am surrounded by mayhem] This may all be funny to you one day [as it is terrifying to me] but your dad, the recovering redneck, has so many plans now that he knows he is going to have 2 sons.
The list as follows:
Monster truck shows
NASCAR
Black Diamond ski slopes
Indy 500
A family construction business
Running a farm
Just to be clear, he is beyond excited at this moment. I at the moment am a little worried about being out numbered. I have known you were a boy since day 1 (gut feeling). I am happy for you and Hudson. I think its gonna be so cool for the two of you be close in age and be brothers (just remember bros before hoes). I pray you guys are close for a lifetime- i imagine you guys being best men in each other's weddings, starting a rock-n-roll band together [ of course, I'll sing Hudson will play sax, eli on drums, poppy on guitar] and being buddies.
I want to name you Elijah Sterling Fryer and call you "Eli"
It is not decided until we meet you- We'll see you sometime in July my sweet- can't wait...
3/2008
Hi Eli,
You are gettin sooo big in my tummy. I felt you flipping over last night- I could hardly sleep ! I went to get an ultrasound today- the doctors are worried about one of your kidney. Apparently, it isn't draining fluid. I am praying everyday that it is going to be OK. I have decided to remain absolutely calm about this matter so that you have stress free environment to live in...
Your dad and I are still making plans for you and huddy. We are going to remodel a house and build you a loft in your bedroom so that you can climb a ladder to a secret room.... Lot's of dreaming happening over here. We love you - see you in July.
5/2008
Everything is getter bigger this month (30 weeks pregnant)
the stroller, my belly, our bed. We are getting ready for you to come and make our family bigger! We met Dr. Alam this a pediatric urologist . He told us everything to expect after you are born- I have been getting crystal healings and doing prayer work and trying to get a miracle to happen. I really don't want you to have to haave a surgury when you are little. I am eating really healthy and hoping my next ultrasound shows your kidney is working...
6/29/2008 (37 weeks)
I had a blessing ceremony for you yesterday- It was really nice- All the women came and supported me and gave you well wishes.
I got a plaster cast made of my big ole belly. You turned sideways and made my belly look like an oval.
We have been working very hard the past few weeks. We are trying to sell our house- We have a sales contract on a house that has 3.5 acres of woods.
I am excited for all the fun you and Hudson will have in those woods our new dreams are zip lines and tree houses and bike ramps from the second floor of the barn.
Eli you are coming very soon- We can't wait to meet you -- love mama
6/29/2008
Kick
They rested heel to heel
totally unaware of the ribs and flesh
being crushed in between them
One sixteen months in this world
The other waiting for this chance to begin
They push towards her
Achieve contact and retract
She lays in the queit dark
Realizing what they don't
Soon they will share her with the other
as they surley are brothers...
I wrote that poem in the middle of a sleepless night where Hudson was sleeping with his foot on my belly and I could feel Eli kicking back at him. It was an incredibly sweet moment where I really got that they were going to be inseparable one day.
July 8th, 2008
I am up and everyone is asleep- This might be a t.m.i. but i am excruciatingly constipated. After my blessing ceremony you turned head down (very painful contractions might I add) and now my belly cast doesn't even fit me at all. There are literally inches on either side. Anyway, I think you obstructed my bowels while you were sidelying. I am miserable it has been 2.5 weeks since I had a decent poo. I love you Eli, but man this is ridiculous. I was hoping you'd come early like tomorrow but the midwife says my cervix isn't doing anything . Could be 2 more weeks. I am feeling discouraged. I am ready to "git her done" if you know what I mean.
Your big brother is turning into a toddler - aka gorilla baby. He thinks hitting is very cool and fun- I know he is going to smack you a few times- I am going to have to watch over you like a hawk. He won't mean to hurt you, he just doesn't know any better.
Lastly, my ribs are hurting so much that I've been dreaming that your dad and brenda (midwife) are breaking them before the birth. Weird stuff Love, mom
July 12-13 2008
These two days can go down in history as the worst days of this pregnancy- The doctors put me on massive laxatives to get things going. This caused me to strain all day and night July 12 with no result and then they put in the hospital for a soap and water enema. Two full quarts of water!!!! Ouch! (To the tune of $600 might I add) This caused me to strain all day Sunday with no result. So then the doctor has me go to his office for a "digital extraction" (digital meaning finger!) Basically, he found out that your head was resting on my rectal nerve and making it feel like I was ready to poop. He lifted your head a little and I felt a lot better. However, all of the straining caused me to blow out my inner thigh muscles and pelvic floor. Not to mention give me hemrroids that came out past my butt cheeks so that I couldn't sit without excruciating pain. All of this right before giving birth!
The doctor says i am 90% effaced and 3 cm. You will be here soon. I was very close to giving up on a homebirth yesterday. I wanted to be induced and get an epidural. Hell, I'd have taken a C-section. I feel like I've already given birth except I'm getting sleep. We really are excited to see you but this is a hard process. I think I'm done with pregnancy for the rest of my life. love, mom
Dec. 28th 2008
Ok Eli, you arrived in the most beautiful birth ever! I had 2 very hard contractions (1 that made Hudson cry when he looked at my face) around 6:30am and called the midwife. I knew it was time although I didn't have very many signs. It was 2 days past your due date and I felt ready. Your dad was a champ. He had the bedroom ready- a pot of boiling water going for the midwives toos. Eileen, our doula, came over first and started helping me get comfy. I noticed that this time during the birthing process I wanted people near me. (with Hudson I needed to be alone) Aunt Heather had to come and get Hudson b/c it was happening too fast for my mom to get here from Lexington. She saw me in the bathtub and said she couldn't tell I was in really in labor. I was though. I cried when Hudson left. I felt like I wanted my whole family to be together but witnessing birth might have been too much for a 17 month old to handle. I tried sitting in the bathtub but it just felt too slow. I was sure it slowed down my labor with Hudson. I was not going to flee from the pain this time. I was going to go into. Instead of looking for relief I went for harder contractions and more pain. I started walking and Eileen massaged my back. Brenda got here and checked me. She said I was close. Keith and I wanted to lay together alone and just focus on my contractions together. As soon as they left the room I felt you swim down towards the birth canal and engaged into position. It was crazy. My water broke and we called Brenda and Eileen back into the room. We decided that I should try to pee before things got going. It was really hard to get to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and I went into transition. I tried to walk back to my bedroom but I just couldn't make it. The urge to push was too strong i fell to me knees onto a brand new white tile floor. Primal sound were coming out of my mouth. Dad and Eileen were holding my arms and Brenda was behind me waiting to catch you. You were born at 9:45am my water broke at 9:15 and I only pushed for 10 minutes. Such an easy birth! We weren't out of the clear yet, I still had to birth the placenta. For some reason that was scarier to me than your delivery. I just wanted to be done. The placenta came out no problem and the midwife said it was one of the healthiest she'd ever seen. (from a 30 year veteran that was quite a compliment) You latched onto my breast immediately and I had plenty of milk for you. I walked downstairs 2 hours after the birth to meet and greet people it was just as it should be.
We slept on a mattress in the laundry room for a few weeks. It was hard to get Hudson to leave you alone. He started kissing you from day 1. Big long kisses complete with "mmmmmmmmm" sound effect. He called you "D" and "E" and 
"Beebee". He patted you and always wondered aloud, "Where D?" If you were sleeping he'd put his finger to his lips and shush to indicate your were asleep. But he wasn't interested in keeping you asleep as he never lowered his voice and kept poking you asking "What's that?" about all your various features...Those are the baby's eyes, those are the baby's ears...Those are the baby's lips.
"Beebee". He patted you and always wondered aloud, "Where D?" If you were sleeping he'd put his finger to his lips and shush to indicate your were asleep. But he wasn't interested in keeping you asleep as he never lowered his voice and kept poking you asking "What's that?" about all your various features...Those are the baby's eyes, those are the baby's ears...Those are the baby's lips. The 4th day after your birth was the hardest. My breast got hard as rocks and I had to put packages of frozen peas on them. It was very painful. I also got a fever and felt achy like the flu. These are all normal symptoms, its just hard to go through them. My breast hurt and so did my rear end. I had slight tear from the birth, hemmoroids from the constipation and now my breast were killing me. Needless to say, there was no comfy place lay down. But all through it you were very easy going. You are now 5 months old and still easy going- You let other people hold you, you smile all the time and sleep nestled in my chest. (You love nursing!)
You are very advanced with your head and neck control. You started picking your head up at 2 months ago and started rolling over shortly thereafter. I expect you'll be crawling in the next few weeks. You have also brought tremendous good luck with you. Amazing things have happened since you arrived. First of all, you were born during the worst economic recession in our nation's history. The housing market is collapsing, people are foreclosing on their homes, the banks were collapsing and no one was getting approved for mortgages. We managed to sell our home to the only couple who looked at it on Oct. 15th and we closed on our new property Oct. 16. What is also amazing was the trust that the seller had in us. She let us start our renovations on the 1st of Oct so that we could make the house inhabitable for us. Your dad toook 2 dumpsters of old carpet and wallpaper out of here. You can't imagine.
Next in November after your birth the United States elected its first biracial president, Barack Obama. No matter your politics, it was an historic event in our nation's history. Your father and I got up super early and you and Hudson helped us vote. It was an historic event and the feelings were electric at the polls. I wanted to cry. It was your father's first time voting at the age of 36!. He felt he could make a difference and he did.
Yes, Eli, we may not have fully planned to have you so soon- but you came in so gracefully and have brought with you so much joy. I love gazing into your big blue eyes and imagining the man your gonna be. I want you to be so happy. I want you to marry an Indian woman so we can go to an Indian wedding in India. (I tangent) Gotta run for now. Love, mom
2/29/09
11pm ish (same time as Hudson accept one month earlier) 7 months old crawled for the a Thomas train . You squeeled with glee and then you were unstoppable.
4/1/09 (8 months)
Eli youare already pulling upt ot stand and eating finger food. You've been doing this for the past couple of weeks. I wish I could journal everyday so I could tell you exact days.
I am trying to get all your pictures organized. I took a lot but I am not sure about the order they were taken. I want 1 for every month of your first year so we can see how much you've changed. I should be able to get it together...
6/6/09 First steps: Took 2 steps and went. Crinkling your nose and cackling...
9/09
You so craaaazzy!!!! Well dear little Eli, You are 14 months odl and you look sweet but sound evil" You are trying so hard to communicate. You want EVERYTHING! you scram high pitched piercing screams that raise my heart rate. We are finding you quite difficult at the moment.
You have been crazy this summer- you were the only 1 year old walking/running/ climbing at your first b-day party. You think you are 18 months !!! You go head first down big slides and laugh. You love to be outside constantly exploring. you love to rip books out of my hands during story time. You love to bite and hit. you like to play music and dance. You stare at me for awhile and then imitate everything.
You cannot be held down. You get very determined looks on you rface and dad say's "He's full of shit." You are a leo. You are phosphorus (homeopathic constitution). In other words, Mr. Personality. You like to wrestle with Hudson even though your half his size. You pull Hudson's hair, you find the one thing not to get into and you are in it. You crinkle your nose in dislike and then bite the life out of me. I have marks up and down my arms! You bite the dogs, you bite Hudson, you bite everyone! You like to ride a tricycle or stand on the seat and ride backwards downhill! You try to play T-ball and climb ladders. You are a very busy boy. You love bathtime now (hated it for the first 9 months). When people clap you stomp your fet and walk backwards. You make farting noises on my arm in the middle of the night and totally crack up. You sit up in bed and talk long baby sentences. Na naaaaa na naaaa. over and over again. You pull my shirt donwn and try to put your head down it to nurse. You are so incredibly cute- Not that you guys don't drive me to the brink of insanity. I guess I just have to enjoy this time in life and let go of getting work done!
19 months old First words:
Mommy
Daddy
Huddy
Hold me
Come're
Doggy or dog dog
Meow
No
Happy Birthday
Up
Down
Body
First signs:
Truck
kitten
dog
duck
bird
